lissalysikan | More Rambling

Because I finished all my tasks for the week and Monster isn't here to drive me home yet.

Kikue wrote "I say that we have to be our own listener and companion. If we cannot listen to ourselves who else can understand the real story? If we listen, we will understand and be fulfilled by that, seldom to feel alone in this world. Some people never do take the time to minister to one’s own self. They are lost and experience many other emotions when people they depend on are to busy to listen."
This rings true to me, even about myself. I try to be my best friend, pay attention to how I feel and why, but sometimes I feel alone because there is no one to talk to who can understand. I know that it isn't a good idea to try to depend on others to understand – how can they without being me? Especially since the people I talk to the most are boys - I really doubt a relatively normal boy can really grasp what it's like. Baby sort of knows, except she has the perspective of a 5 year old most of the time. So it is up to me to understand me. Not just know about me, but really understand. Because understanding reactions and feelings helps make them easier to handle. Knowing if I feel crappy because of biology (depression) makes it easier to accept that I have to wait and let biology and meds fix it. If it's because of a psychological reaction to something then it means I need to get control of it. Once I understand what is going on inside me I can accept it, enjoy it, or change it, as needed.

I'm not perfect at it, probably only so-so at it. But I can see the need for it. You cannot rely on others – not because they don't care, but because they might not be there due to circumstances outside their control. People die, people have responsibilities that may take priority over listening, etc. Baby can get away with relying on me – she has the maturity of a 5 year old. I can't use that excuse – my maturity is supposed to be about that of a 12 year old <grin>.

Anyway, I thought this was a subject worth thinking about, and since I have some spare time, writing about.

Bye for now.